1. Don’t piss in the portaloos, because there’s nothing worse than getting a rimjob from someone elses turd at 7am.
2. Sunblock. The sun. It burns.
3. Drive slow. It’s a dangerous road. Cliffs. You will die. No one will remember you. No one.
4. Don’t jump fences. Especially electric ones. You will die and waste our time from having fun.
5. Don’t start fires. The grass is dry. You will kill us all. You will ruin the party. You are not as smart as you think you are.
6. Drink water. None of that sugary RTD bullshit, it’s just pissfuel. It’s not water.
7. Approved beers: VBs, Dobros, Lobros, DB Bitter, NZ Lager (with a twist of lemon)
8. Following on, a twist of lemon is almost always a good idea.
9. No hippies. I was one once. Now I am not. Wake the fuck up NZ. #sheeple.
10. Don’t let hippies peer pressure you into drugs. You don’t have to “like chill man”.
11. If your buddy is fucked, don’t let them swim, they will slip, they will hit their head, they will die. Actually keep an eye on them. The bush is a harsh unelected despot. It is unforgiving. It is unrelenting. It is full of angry pigs and giardia. They ate Babe the pig. He is dead and not coming back. Shit.
12. Seriously don’t piss in the portaloos, I have to sort them out if they overflow and piss flows over. We’ve dug fucking urinals for a reason, for sitters and standers.
NO EXCUSES FOR FUCKSAKES.